This is it right? this has to be it. there is no way it could possibly be any worse than this...
I am certain I've reach the the highest (or lowest?) point of my depression.
I thought about dying the other day. more then I have ever thought about it before. it wasn't some dumb fleeting thought. "Oh man, I wish I was dead" no......Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to kill myself. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. but I wanted to die. it happened so quickly and it was like a big slap in the face. I was shocked, How could I possibly think that. because I REALLY THOUGHT IT. and I was scared. I thought, surely I'm just being dramatic. I went and hugged my daughter and laughed it off.
but ever since then it keeps happening. I'm not really sure if the thought of being dead this so appealing, or just the silence. Because when I think about dying, I get panicky.. I don't want to die. I don't want to never see my daughter again. never hear her laugh again, see her smile, hug her.
BUT I just want to get away. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I want to close my eyes and not see anything, not think. I don't want to hear anything. I WANT TO ESCAPE.
I cant.
and now I have this added guilt of having this thought.
Its getting harder to pretend to be happy. its hard to smile and laugh and have conversations.
I can hear myself, and its sounds so fake. so forced. and awkward.
I have no real friends anymore, but its my own fault. but making friends means having to talk to them. beyond the sarcastic banter. I want people to text me, but that means I have to text them back and again have a serious conversation. I want to be invited places to parties, to hang out, to do whatever. but that means I have to leave, it means I have to go out and exhaustingly pretend to be happy. because people will think I'm not having a good time if I'm not smiling and laughing.
lately everyday is a bad day. I want to cry all the time. there are tears threatening all the time, and I seriously mean ALL THE TIME.
I have so many emotions happening all at once its almost unbearable. its pretty much one big hum of numbness. the tingling painful kind of numb, not the blissful, cant feel anything, numb. and because of this, my senses are all heightened. my problem with hearing people chew is growing, I cant stand to hear people period. hear them cough, sneeze clear their throats, scratch their skin. lick their lips. drink. even drop things, hit things. sometimes hearing them laugh. and its such a bad feeling that I hold my breath, every hair on my body stands on end. I want to pull my scalp off (that's weird but yes, more on that in a minute) bang my hands on my ears.
but this is my own crazy. and its just that, crazy. How do you tell someone to stop making noise when they aren't even making any. you cant. so i just don't.
I don't want to feel like this.
I'm just so tired.
so my irrational hatred of people living is making my OCD worse. I pick at my scalp. my hair stand on end it makes me instinctively touch my now itchy head. and I cant stop once I feel it.its satisfying.
the other day I picked out all of the staples that had gotten stuck in the carpet at work. I took all the keys off of the keyboard and clean each one. I took the mouse apart and did he same thing. I took all the remnants of tape off the counter where people had removed sign that had been tapped up but didn't care to get all the tape. and so many other things.
I don't know why. I feel crowded around it all. I have so many emotions buzzing around me that I feel suffocated adding the mess around me too. maybe if the outside gets clean enough, my insides will be too. maybe its just a nice distraction from my thoughts. I know it feels good to do it. I know that I can breathe better after its done. I can concentrate afterwards.
God, I hate myself so much.
everything about me.
I wish I was so many things that I'm not.
I wish I wasn't a bitch
I wish I was prettier
I wish I was smarter
I wish I was thinner
I wish I was good at something
I wish I was a better mother
I wish I was happy.
but I cant talk about it. to anyone. because it makes people uncomfortable.
If I do bring it up its have to be with an undertone of humor, like I'm making fun of myself so everyone around doesn't feel about doing it themselves.
even with this, I 'm sure when I see any of you after this you will only be thinking about this. you probably wont bring it up though. you'll just stand there feeling sorry for me.
I don't want that.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just want someone to care.
to care to brake down the walls.
to not let me laugh it off.
to not let me change the subject.
to not be scared of the breakdown that will inevitably follow.
don't tip toe around me
I'm really not that fragile, I wont break if you touch me.
I'm not the sad dogs on a Sarah McLachlan commercial.
this is depression.
this is me.
my depression defines me
it shouldn't, but it does.
