my depression is like a fog

Sometimes I feel like I'm watching my life happen.  I know that sounds dumb, but I just feel like I'm standing on the other side of the window. I can see everything as it's happening, I can see the things that I'm doing and I can hear the things that I'm saying. but at the same time, I can hear my thoughts. but the thought that I'm hearing aren't the same as the thoughts as the me that's watching through the window.

so I'm standing there and I'm watching everything happen and I'm screaming at this girl in front of me that I hardly recognize. I'm telling her the things that she should be saying the things that she should be doing and instead, this person in front of me, says or does something completely different.

and now I'm angry. I'm angry because I'm here. I'm banging on the class and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. But there is this fog over the window. and it's so thick and it's so dark that I don't think she can hear me.

But sometimes I think she does and I can almost feel her trying to clear the fog away.but she's so weak. and I think that if I could just touch her, just a whisper of a touch, it would be enough.but every time she gives up. because when you're this far lost it is so much easier to give into the darkness that is pulling you back than to fight against it.

bullet points

Someone once told Me that it helps to write down the good and bad points about yourself. This way You have something to visualize. You can work,one point at a time to shorten your bad list. Making the list depressed me even more. So, good job there. I've been told I'm many thing by a lot of people. These are the traits that have been giving to me the most.


GOOD

• I'm a great listener
• I can make people laugh
• I'm not ugly
• Im not stupid
• I always give the benefit of the doubt
• I'm creative

BAD

• I'm fat
• I'm not very pretty
• I talk too much
• I complain too much
• I talk about myself too much
• I'm terrible at retelling jokes/ stories
• I'm not very smart
• I'm a terrible driver
• I'm a bitch
• I judge people too easily
• I'm a liar
• I'm too loud
• I'm lazy
• I'm too picky
• I can't make decisions
• In have terrible taste in tv and movies
• I'm immature
• I never known when to shut up
• I'm annoying
• 
  

who I am.

I am a sad empty shell of a person.

   and all of my life I thought the people around me were the ones that were taking everything out. but in reality it was me giving it all away.

I am a doormat.

  This has been told to me in the nicest most complementing way. And in the most rude hurtful way. I've always thought that if everyone around me was happy that I would be happy. and I've come to learn that that is so far from the truth.

  And I'm tired. I physically feel tired. I want to give up.
 I hate myself. And the worst party of all of it is - its my own damn fault.

   I have been trying to be enough for people since the third grade, when I first started getting picked on. I've lied about things that I've done or seen or that I like. I've changed things about myself. I've settled for things I didn't really like.
 
   And every time, every. damn. Time. It's never enough. And all of these instances, hundreds and thousands of instances, have broken me. And for what? I am the only person who can say how much somebody's words are action hurt me. I am the reason I'm empty.

Right? 

time to come clean.

No one knows this part of me.  And this sad part is that this is me.

The point of this is not for your pity. Nor is it to make you feel bad. It is all an iffy attempt to make me feel better about myself. 

That being said, read it, don't read it. That's your choice.   It will be sad (maybe?) pathetic and whiny.  And while I sometimes lie, a lot. Everything here will be the uncensored truth. 

Welcome.